Lifting the Veil- The Truth Behind Planning My Wedding

Dinner in Scotland- Look how happy we are

So normally, I reserve this blog for posts imparting my wedding planning wisdom to brides, designers, vendors, etc.  The next few posts will be a little more personal as I finally feel like I have enough distance from my own wedding to talk about the ins and outs of my personal planning experience.  Why did I wait five months to talk about it on this very public forum?  First, the subject matter was not only what I do to pay the bills, but perhaps the most intimate day of my life with my family, friends and partner, C.  Second, I thought that being in this business, I would have the insight to avoid all the BS that comes along with planning a wedding- balancing the families, the budget, what we each wanted from the wedding.  I thought we were different, that we could rise above all of the pitfalls that I had gotten to watch from afar as both a wedding planner and a friend to many a bride.

London

But alas, I too fell into the pit of arguments with C, with my mother, his mother and my best friend.  I started hating the process all too early and realizing that I couldn't stave off all of the normal stressful procedures, only added insult to injury. I want to be open, honest, and perhaps a little bit raw as I discuss what planning a wedding really entails.  Sometimes it isn't all hearts, flowers, presents, and smiles.

Today, I bring you: The Biggest Fight We Had (while wedding planning) AKA the guest list.

I should probably start this post by telling everyone that C and I had about one fight prior to getting engaged.  We had only been together for about a year and a half, and while that time certainly gives you insight into your partner's hopes, dreams, passions etc, it doesn't really give you the opportunity to learn how to have a constructive argument with them.  So we didn't really fight, and we still don't really have arguments like the wedding planning head-to-heads.

Right after our very sweet engagement, in which he recreated my parents' engagement, we started with the very first step- creating the guest list. At first we just put together a dream list - a perfect world list in which everyone we knew came to our wedding and celebrated our awesome union- maybe like 250+ folks.  And then the reality of our budget struck.  There was no way we could accommodate all of these people and fill them with good food and wine and dancing.  C didn't care, he just wanted everyone to be there.  I just wanted a smaller gathering of the people I cared the most about and REALLY wanted that good food.  "But wasn't it more important to have everyone we care about, that cares about us, there?" C asked.  "Trust me, not all those people care about us getting married and I am NOT paying for some random ass person you haven't spoken to in 3 years that is going to leave after 9pm," I snorted.  "But wouldn't those people feel left out? They just wanted to be there to give us hugs and celebrate us and be happy for our life together," he protested.  And he had been invited to so many more weddings over the years (he is 5 years older than me).

Do either of us have murder in our eyes?

Holy impasse, batman.  So round and round we went like this, for what seemed like weeks.  And then his family threw in the kids element.  They have child cousins in their family, I do not.  They are his 3rd cousins but very close to the family and there are 8 of them that range in age from 5-17.  I don't think a wedding is a place for children; certainly not at $100+ per person.

We sat in our backyard, the scene of our engagement, and fought like we have never fought before.  I just remember thinking that we might not get through this, that I might run in the house, break all of our registry gifts, grab my cat and leave our life FOREVER.  It felt like no one understood our budget, that this was our money, half of which our parents gave us as a gift, and the other half we had saved over our year of planning.  He didn't understand that we could have the most important people there to hug and kiss us, and the ones who didn't get invited would be sad but understanding and those who weren't understanding had no place in our lives.  Who wants friends/family like that, I screamed.

And finally, I broke.  I just couldn't take it any longer.  We compromised because neither of us could stand to make the other miserable any longer.  "Let's pare down the list and then kids can come."  I ended up not being able to invite my friends from grad school, which part of me says they understand, and part of me still regrets.  He wasn't able to invite some of his friends from the west coast.  Needless to say, only one of the eight cousins came and she was delightful.  So we all won.  

What would I have done differently to avoid the knot in my stomach that I can still feel even as I am writing this?  Sat down and thought through things logically, I guess.  Realized that C had never done this before and I had professionally, and that I didn't need to treat him like I knew better than him.  Finally, I guess the one thing I would have changed is how I spoke- instead of a balanced and thoughtful human being, I was full of rage, like everyone had it out for me.  I cannot take whatever anger I had back, but I can certainly correct that behavior for our next argument.

To all of you planning a wedding out there, know this, you aren't alone when you fight. You aren't abnormal, or angry or destined to get a divorce.  We all do it.  So many of my friends told me the same thing, that they had locked themselves in closets, or they'd rolled their eyes so many times, the backs of their skulls hurt.  As long as you can find some sort of agreement you can both live with and when you finally get to the wedding day, realize how much you've overcome.  I felt that way and still feel like we accomplished something together.

Next time on Lifting the Veil - picking our venue. And then picking another one.